It All Falls Down
by rainbowishprincess
Summary: No one thought Dawn would turn out this way. Sex, drugs and alcohol? It happened to her. Mary Anne's visit only puts a strain on things and eventually, she has to find her way home. [COMPLETE]
1. Shattered

**Title**: It All Falls Down  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary**: Mary-Anne goes to visit Dawn, only to find out that she has immensely changed and spiraled into the world of sex and drugs at only sixteen.  
**Warnings**: Mild slash, use of drugs and sexual preferences and mature language.

She had left the house again. No one cared. No one gave a fuck ever since the incident with Jeff. She was free. She hadn't wanted her freedom this way, she didn't want life to be like this. But it was. And nothing could change it.  
  
Her silk hair flew in the wind, light as air. She wiped away a tear from her bright eyes and blinked back more. It was freezing outside, but she wasn't cold. The wind was like a battle and she had won it, long, long ago.  
  
She found herself at Sunny's, a teary mess. With a symphathetic smile, Sunny cradled her in her arms and took her out to the deck. Dawn burst out crying and sat down on a half wet chair that dampened her jeans. But she didn't care. Sunny sat silently, brushing away her own blonde locks and listened to the unmuffled sobs of Dawn.

It had only been a month.  
  
Today was his birthday.  
  
Sunny hugged Dawn on the cheek and stroked her hair. They were friends with an unbreakable bond. They had their differences, fights, everything. But Sunny always had her back, and the same went for Dawn.  
  
Dawn stood up, her tear streaked face drying in the breeze. She sniffled. "Thanks Sunny," she choked out.  
  
Sunny simply nodded. She understood. And it was tough.  
  
"I want to go again," Dawn whispered. Her sixteen year old body looked so fragile.  
  
Sunny raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure Dawn? Don't keep torturing yourself."  
  
Dawn nodded and some more tears dripped out. "I'm sure," she managed to say.  
  
Sunny lead her down the deck stairs. "I'll come." Sunny grabbed a handful of flowers from the garden and passed them to Dawn.  
  
Together and silently they walked through the grass and across the roads.  
  
Finally they stopped, and the grey stone stood, plain as day.  
  
Dawn's eyes started filling up again and she gently rest the flowers of the grave.  
  
"Happy Birthday Jeff," she whispered. Sunny did the same. Then Dawn turned around to go home.  
  
When she reached her large white house, she stormed up to her room, her eyes now dry.  
  
She stared at herself in the mirror, looking at her reflection. She scowled. The mirror image did so too.  
  
She opened her desk drawer and got a pair of scissors. She grabbed some of her shirt and snipped. Snipped around and around until the shirt reached just above her bellybutton. And then she bit her lip. Hard. Blood trickled out and she spread it around her lips, making the illusion of deep lipstick.  
  
She looked at her bulletin board. Pictures of Maggie, Amalia and Sunny.  
  
Maggie christened her and Sunny not good enough when she found out they had kissed at a party, after drinking spiked punch.  
  
Bitch.  
  
And Amalia had moved away, away from all them. Screw them.  
  
She took another hard long look in the mirror.  
  
Then she punched it, letting the shiny pieces fly in a million directions.


	2. Ripped

**Four Months Later**

**_  
_**"DAWN! Get down here!" Carol called upstairs. "DAWN?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"DAWN GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"  
  
Dawn appeared from the stairs. "Calm down, you cranky bitch." she muttered.  
  
Carol glared at her. "I heard that."  
  
"Big whoop," she shot back with a disgusted tone. She descended to the kitchen, her short skirt swishing as she did. Her dad was busy writing into his palm piolet.  
  
"Mary-Anne is coming up tommorow."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Dawn..." her dad started in that warning voice.  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. "I want nothing to do with Stoneybrook."  
  
Her dad glared at her. "She is your stepsister. Now go clean your room, she's sharing it with you."  
  
Dawn opened her mouth in disbelief. "This is so sick!" She turned around and stormed upstairs, which was kind of hard to do in stick heels.  
  
"Fuck this," she said out loud. She grabbed her purse and and crawled out the window. When she was outside of her room she got out her cellphone.  
  
"Baby? Its me. Pick me up." She paused. "Okay. Alright. Mwah." She hung up and pulled a cigarette out from her purse. She stuck it in her mouth and expertly lit it up with her small lighter. She went around the yard and waited on the driveway a few minutes before her boyfriend picked her up.  
  
When his convertible pulled up, Dawn giggled and slid into a seat. He put her arm around her. "How are you?"  
  
Dawn sighed. "Fucking house is suffocating me."  
  
"Wanna come over to mine? We can pick up some burgers on the way."  
  
Dawn shot a Look at him. "No burgers."  
  
Greg sighed. "You still on that health kick?"  
  
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm still on it."  
  
Greg shrugged. "Whatever. Lets hang at my place." He pulled into his apartments parking lot and jangled his keys. They walked upstairs. Sunny was the only other person who knew Gregs real age. 22. He was always pushing Dawn to do stuff that she didn't want to do. She was still sixteen and naive, but a lot had changed over the past four months. Greg accompanied Dawn to the couch and started fumbling around with her tanktop. Dawn moved away. "Greg, no."  
  
"Come on baby," he pleaded. "For me? Its fun, I promise." He kissed her cheek and moved it over to her lips. She kissed back but pulled away.  
  
"Greg. You know what I always say."  
  
"You're no fun," he pouted. Dawn let her tounge trail down his cheek. "I'm plenty of fun and you know it."  
  
Greg chuckled and Dawn rifled through her purse for another smoke. Instead, she came across a picture. It was a picture with her, Maggie, Amalia, Ducky and Sunny on Ducky's shoulders. It was a goofy picture and Amalia had taken it with her hand extended out. Dawn felt a small pang and Greg looked over.  
  
"What's that?" he asked as he peered over.  
  
Dawn slapped her hand over the picture and took a breath. "Nothing," she finally said. The ripped the picture in half and set in back in her purse. She got up abruptly.  
  
"Take me home Greg?"  
  
Greg held up his hand. "Woah, woah. You don't want to stay a while? My liquoir cabinets stocked," he grinned.  
  
Dawn raised her eyebrow. "Alright! I'll get the shotglasses." She padded into the kitchen and grabbed a few shotglasses from the cupboard. Feeling a little hungry, she opened the fridge and a few magnets fell off.  
  
"Damn these cheap things," she muttered. She picked up a few pieces of papers that fell and out tumbled a photo. It wasn't of her. It had a girl with a skimpy bikini and red red hair. She turned it over and saw a message.  
  
Hey baby..thinking of you.  
I'll always remember the night in the hotel.  
xoxo Candy.  
  
She dropped the picture and grabbed the stove handle for support. Candy? Who was she? Some kind of hooker? She gulped down a shot of water and picked up the photo, carrying both objects into the living room. She tossed the picture at him.  
  
"Who the fuck is this?"  
  
Greg looked at the picture then looked at the wall. "Jesus christ Dawn. That's my.. cousin."  
  
Dawn snorted. "Your cousin dresses up in a bikini for you and poses like a crackwhore? Right."  
  
Greg rolled his eyes. "Dawn, I was drunk, it was a mistake."  
  
She glared at him. "So was this." She hurled the shotglass at him, hitting his cheek squarely. She grabbed her purse and left, slamming the door.  
  
Bastard.  
  
She really needed that smoke now. She found her carton and pulled one out, and lit it. As she started walking towards her house she shivered.  
  
The sun was fading away and she felt dangerously close to crying. She bumped into a thin figure and got irritated. "Watch where you're going," she spat. She looked up and blinked.  
  
"Dawn?"


	3. Ragdoll

**AN: **Dude, I got like five reviews for chapter 2, which is pretty good for my sad writing abilities. I was going to update later, but I was happy so I decided to do it now. (grins) Yay for reviewers! You make me happier then you know ;D As well, this story makes more sense if you have read the California diaries because it explains a lot about Sunny and Dawn and everything because Dawn is much different in CA Diaries than in the BSC books. I haven't read them recently though, so if I have made a mistake, correct me.

"Maggie?" Dawn with disbelief.  
  
"Yup," she said quietly.  
  
Dawn looked away. What a bitch. She thought she was better than everyone because she was loaded with money and ever so smart. Well, okay, she never cared that she had money but she still pissed Dawn off, trotting about with her holier than thou image caked on her. Dawn started to walk away.  
  
"Dawn, stop, I'm sorry okay?"  
  
She spun around. She was _sorry?_ That wasn't gonna make everything better. "Where was this four months ago?" Dawn hissed. "When I needed you? But no, me and Sunny kiss in a completely different state of mind, and we are unworthy all of a sudden. And then my fucking BROTHER dies and you turn your back because you are too good for me, right?"

Maggie's eyes lowered. "Dawn, I was stupid. I was stressed and I made a mistake!"  
  
Dawn curled her lip. Everyone was making mistake these days.  
  
"Four months, you had Maggie, four fucking months."  
  
Maggie rubbed her temple. "Dawn, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry again! What can I do? I was scared."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Of how to talk to you! The distance eventually became awkward."  
  
"No duh." Dawn muttered. She took another puff of her smoke.  
  
Maggie finally noticed the cigarette. "You took up smoking?"  
  
Dawn clucked her tounge. "What does it look like?"  
  
Maggie took a hard look at Dawn, taking in her shorter, crimped hair, crimson lipstick, plunging shirt and stiletto heels.  
  
"You aren't Dawn Schafer. Not the one I know."  
  
"No, I'm not. But you are the exact same person I know. The look at me, I'm special Maggie. What a bitch she is." she sneered.  
  
Maggie opened her mouth to protest. "That's not fair."  
  
Dawn shook her head. "Lifes not really fair is it? Bye Maggie."  
  
Maggie looked at Dawn, and even she could tell that Dawn had definetly changed.  
  
And not for the better.  
  
The Dawn she knew would never be caught dead in there clothes, never, EVER smoke and sure as hell would not be a bitch like that.  
  
God, what four months could do to a person.  
  
As Dawn walked home she couldn't help but think what shit her life had gone too. Jeff died, her boyfriend was cheating on her and Maggie JUST decides to let her back in her life. Well fuck that. She was NOT gonna be some ragdoll who'd fall in any direction.  
_  
"You aren't Dawn Schafer. Not the one I know."_

No, I'm Dawn Schafer.

What you see is what you get.  
  
If you don't like it, too bad.  
  
She walked into her house and ignored her dad who was yelling at her. She did NOT need this. She kicked off her shoes and grabbed a beer from underneath her bed. It wasn't cold, but it would have to do.  
  
As she swigged it down she stared at her bellybutton. It was so plain. It needed a ring. A nice ring.  
  
Maybe tommorow.  
  
Mary-Anne.  
  
Well, maybe Mary-Anne stopped being a prissy daddy's girl and she could get it done with her.  
  
Hah, what a laugh.  
  
As Dawn slid into a pair of shorts she took a diamond earring and held it up against her bellybutton. It looked perfect.  
  
It glittered and shone, as she walked around holding it. Maybe her and Sunny could even share belly button rings. Sunny had gotten her navel pierced at thirteen. At first Dawn was shocked. A little amused. But now she understood.  
  
It was the craving, the thrill to do something no one wanted you to do.  
  
She remembered the days of the BSC. It truly made her laugh out loud. She was thirteen and stupid.  
  
She had changed so much. She used to constantly critisize Sunny, but as she grew older she understood Sunny's motives. Sunny lost a mother, she lost a brother. Sunny never once preached her, told her what to do.

That was incredibly different from Stoneybrook.

California was her home. She looked at her school journal, a red spiral notebook. Visa required them to write in a journal, though they never checked it. After 9th grade, she started rarely writing in it.  
  
Why did she need to record her life? She knew what happened. Hell, it was HER life.  
  
And she would do what she want. She wasn't some puppet in a cruel puppeteers theater act. She wasn't a ragdoll to be played with.  
  
She was Dawn.  
  
And she lived for herself.


	4. Mary Anne

**AN:** Thanks everybody for the supportive reviews. It gave me strength to write chapter four.  
  
_Nikki:_ Yeah, but I really wanted to get the introductory stuff over with quick. Just get everybody intrigued and understanding the story and than really jump into the plot :)  
  
_Elizabeth:_ Visa is the school they go to : ) I am sorry to hear about your dad..but glad to hear that you like the story.  
  
_Note to all:_ Sorry about this chapter. Kind of boring. -shrug- I have been so blocked lately. I wanted this chapter to turn out differen't.. but I need to figure out where I am really going. -shrug-  
  
"Dawn, get_ up_!" hissed a high voice. I rubbed my temple and then my bleary eyes. "Are you _trying _to blind me?" I muttered to who turned out to be Carol.  
  
She was peering directly at my face. It was like a staring contest so I blew directly at her and she blinked. Hah. Her eyes frowned but her lips smiled. "Get ready," she told me calmly as the opened the drapes.  
  
"Get out of my room Carol," I warned.  
  
"Just get up!" she snapped back. Bitch. I pushed her away and staggered up. "Why should I get ready? Its like, 9:AM."  
  
Carol ran her fingers through her hair like she was sooo cool. Her hair was died beach blonde with think brown streaks. Her ends were flipped out and she had on a orange headband.  
  
She looked hot. Not.  
  
"We have to pick Mary-Anne up," she finally saod.  
  
"Why do _I_ have to come?" I grumbled. Carol glared at me.  
  
Our vibes were totally opposite. I hated her and I'm sure the feeling was mutual. She drove me insane. She tried to hard to be hip and fresh that she looked horrible.  
  
Tacky dyed beach blonde? Excuse me while I gag.  
Thick brown streaks? Dream on.  
Flipped ends and headband? Yeah, maybe in the sixties.  
  
Her personality also got to me. After she married my dad she was all like, "Lets be a proper family! Call me mom!" and other related bullshit.  
  
Yeah, thats gonna happen.  
  
Then if you get sassy with her she will pretend she's beneath your bitching but she'll do the same, ten times worse.  
  
Call me a shrew but I will never get to like her. Carol Shmarol. Lifes a fucking outhouse and she just stunk it up.  
  
Okay, she used to be pretty cool. But like me, she changed. Drastically. I used to talk to her but now she always acts like she is too good for you. She is all infatuated with Gracie who is cute and all but at 3 and a half is annoying.  
  
They expected me to be their own built in babysitter. No fucking way. I have not babysat since I was fifteen. I long gave that up.  
  
It reminded me of the "BSC". We might as well have been lesbians in a vat of ice cream.  
  
I looked at Carol who looked bored. "Just get ready," she sighed. "And _try_ to look decent." With that she left.  
  
Try to look decent? What the hell was that supposed to mean? She thinks her lime green capris are decent? Whatever.  
  
I lit up a cigarette and sat on my bed in a momentary isolation. Like, my private Utopia that I reach by closing my eyes.  
  
What would I even SAY to her? I haven't spoken to her for like, a year. California and Stoneybrook aren't exactly neighboors. Besides, her and her giddy group of friends piss me off.  
  
Okay, okay. I used to be one of them.  
  
Key word, use too.  
  
We all make mistakes right?  
  
I threw on a blue mini sundress and white Sketchers. The sundress was a light color and tight in the right spots. My hair was out and I ran my brush through it. After a minute in front of the mirror with my eyeliner pencil and lipgloss, I was good to go.  
  
After I paraded down the stairs Carol and Dad got a disappointed look on their face. I could hear the thoughts in their brain.  
  
_"What a slut-bag of a daughter we have."_

But what people think don't ever really apply to me.  
  
We drove down to the airport, Gracie cooing happily beside me. I tickled her fingers and straightened out the dress. Finally, we arrived.  
  
The gate she was in was nearby so we didn't have to walk far. I saw a shitload of people emerge from the plane but she stood out. She hadn't changed a bit. Her wavy hair cascaded her back and she was wearing jeans and a yellow t-shirt underneath her blue vest. She had finally gotten her ears pierced and started to fill out her top, but besides that.. she was the same old Mary-Anne Spier. She ran to us ecstatic, but didn't even notice me until she got a really good look at me.  
  
And dropped her carry on bag.  
  
Man, shocking people is just so much fun.  
  
"Dawn?"  
  
"Duh."  
  
She tried to wipe the shock off her face. Really couldn't blame her. She hadn't even seen me for two years and damn, a lot has changed since then.  
  
She tickled Gracie's feet and we all traveled back to the vehicle. Dad and Carol were bombarding her with questions that she uncomfortably answered. It was amusing.  
  
When we got home I showed Mary Anne to my humble room. I set out the cot and got out another smoke. I took a puff. "Mmm.." I moaned as the smoke filled my throat. It was a disgusting habit but I couldn't stop. Ever. Mary-Anne's eyeballs popped out of their socket. "Dawn!" she said in a urgent whisper. "What are you doing?"  
  
She was too adorable.  
  
"What does it look like?" I put it out and grabbed her hand. "Hey, wanna do something fun? Lets get our belly buttons pierced!"  
  
She moved away. "I'll pass." She looked me up and down in disbelief. "What happened to Dawn?"  
  
"I'm still Dawn," I assured her.  
  
She shook her head. "No, you aren't."  
  
I got up abruptly. "Who the fuck are you to tell me who I am?"  
  
Just as I thought. Still a prissy Daddy's girl who probably still hasn't passed first base.  
  
Mary Anne Spier, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
Man, people piss me off.


	5. Whirlwind

**AN:** Again, thanks for the reviews. I'm sorry if the stuff about drugs and stuff isn't completely accurate. All this information is secondhand information. -cough-learnedfromsisterfromshewasgoingthroughherweedphaseingradeleven-cough- And when I get into the touchier stuff later, don't blame me. I'm only thirteen and it can be awkward. Heh. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I hope I get more. They make me happy. -nods-  
  
Mary Anne Spier, daddy's little girl.  
Mary Anne Spier, crybaby.  
Mary Anne Spier, frigid princess.  
  
She had heard it all before. Reckless highschool gossip whispered through the students like wind wisping through the trees.  
  
Even as a junior, Mary Anne had a reputation for being a frigid little princess. Cokie Mason, of course, the passer of this information to the mainstream. Cokie always had it in for her.  
  
None of this shocked her.  
  
Well, except for the fact that her own stepsister was saying this.  
  
She had heard the whole conversation between Dawn and Sunny, and she wasn't going to lie. It stung.  
  
This person who had inhabited Dawn's body was viscious. Regular Dawn would never smoke, due to the damage it did to the ozone layer. And because it was dangerous for you. Regular Dawn liked baggy clothes, not tight. And Regular Dawn would never wear makeup because it was stupid, and they tested on animals.  
  
Mary Anne was so confused. She wasn't everything to be the same. Like it was three years ago, where the biggest problem was who's yard to hold the BSC Summercamp in. She wanted Dawn to live in Stoneybrooke. For Jeff to be alive.  
  
The sensitive subject brought tears to her eyes.. the accident was traumatic and it had changed everyone's life. Sharon was so stricken with grief that she had O.Ded on pills and had to stay in the hospital for a while. Richard was so worried and still bound with all the sudden strikes of tragedy that he spent all his free time on Sharon, leaving Mary Anne completely out of the picture. She was here to tell Dawn she wasn't alone.. but evidently she was. She had no place in the world.  
  
As she wrote this all in her diary, she thanked the leather bound notebook. Atleast _it_ was there for her.  
  
_Dawn doesn't have to be like this.. she isn't the only person who lost a family member._ Mary Anne wrote._ I've lost a bundle.. you just have to stay strong._  
  
Just then, she heard Gracie burst into a fresh batch of tears and Mary Anne flew downstairs, after putting her notebook safely under the mattress.  
  
While Mary Anne was soothing the toddler, Dawn fluttered upstairs, aching for another cigarette.  
  
She tore through the door, desperate. Where was that damn pack? She sifted through her rooms contents, and slipped her hand under the mattress. She felt a surface. Hah! She pulled it out, but instead of seeing the pack of smokes, she saw a petite notebook. She opened the first page and it read "Mary-Anne Spiers Diary." With a wicked grin, Dawn sat down on the bed, and skimmed through the first few pages. A little bored, she thumbed to the most recent entry and started reading it.  
  
She was a little amused at first but her frown got deeper and deeper. How the hell did Mary Anne justify judging her? Saying she wasn't who she was? How dare she.  
  
"Bitch," she muttered and angrily read on. One paragraph lit her fire.  
  
"Dawn doesn't have to be like this.. she isn't the only person who lost a family member. You just have to stay strong?" Dawn cried. "What a load of bullshit!" She tossed the diary away and scowled at her appearance.  
  
How does one stay strong when its THEM who killed their own fucking flesh and blood?  
  
_Dawn was lying on the beach, in a modest pink bathing suit, catching up on her tan. Jeff ran up to her, surfboard tucked under his arm.  
  
"Dawn! Look at those waves! I'm going to catch a few okay?"  
  
Dawn turned over as the timer rang. "I don't think thats a very good idea, Jeff." she said absentmindedly.  
  
Jeff groaned. "Carol and dad aren't here though. Please?"  
  
Dawn sighed. "Alright. Be careful." She closed her eyes and soaked in the california sunshine.  
  
Jeff, excited, ran out to the sandbar and starting paddling in.  
  
The next thing she knew, people on the beach were screaming and chattering in a frenzy. Immediently she jumped up. She saw a lifegaurd hold up a lifeless body of a small teenager. Jeff.  
  
Dawn shrieked and raced over to them. The lifegaurd was performing CPR on her brothers body.  
  
"WHAT HAPPENED?" she cried.  
  
"He got trapped in a huge wave.. and pulled down." the lifegaurd said in between breaths.  
  
Dawn commanded her heart to stop racing.  
  
"I'm not detecting any breathing.." the lifegaurd trailed off.  
  
Dawn started to freak out. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU ARE A LIFEGAURD, FOR GODS SAKES! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING HIM!" The lifegaurd disregarded these comments and continued.. but no luck. With tears trailing down her cheek she checked for any sign of a pulse.  
  
And she didn't get any.  
  
All the strangers on the beach comforted her, as the blonde sobbed like there was no tommorow.  
  
It was HER that let him go surfing.  
  
She should have been more persistent. Not so caught up in her dang suntanning. But she wasn't. And the price she payed was her brother.  
  
_This painful flashback brought tears to her eyes. Quickly wiping them away, she grabbed a bag of weed from her dresser, and dug out her pipe from her jewelry box. With a trembling hand, she dialed Sunny's number.  
  
"Sunny? Meet me at the dock. I need to get baked."  
  
She slipped into a pair of shorts and stashed the weed and pipe into her purse. Quickly descending the stairs, she raced out the door. Nearly running the whole way to the dock, her heart was beating and her legs commanding her to stop. She didn't obey. Finally she collasped at the dock, falling into Sunny's arms, who had gotten there faster due to her car.  
  
"Are you alright?" Sunny asked, caressing Dawn's hair.  
  
"No," Dawn said, taking an unsteady breath. Sunny loaded the pipe with the cannabis and gave it to Dawn. "Take a puff," she instructed. Dawn did as she was told. After another puff, she immediently began to calm down. Sunny looked at her seriously, and kissed cheek. "It'll be okay," she said quietly. Dawn didn't answer. She simply took a few more drags and then got lost in her her colorful whirlwind.. her blissful paradise that she reached everytime she wanted to escape.  
  
"Ring around the rosie.. pockets full of posies," she sang. "Ashes, ashes.. we all fall down."  
  
_  
  
_


	6. Rockbottom

**AN:** I wrote a chapter before this, but it was too rushed and didn't show up on the main BSC page. So I redid it, and its way different. But I like it. Dawn's finally getting the big picture. Sorry for never updating.. I hit a huge slump.

After a few hours when Dawn had finally regained her normal state, she was a mess. Her hair, usually so beautiful and silky was knotted out, tangled. One big complication, exactly as her life was at the moment. Her eyes were dull, and no longer had any sparkle. She was always empty on the inside but her outer image always managed to make her look sunny and sultry. She just looked like hell in a blender at the moment.

And her emotions were spinning around in the blender as well, all the hurt, pain and guilt she felt, whirling around.

She had never been happy since it happened. She was living in a fake bubble where guys and cigarettes were her only comfort. Greeting her, like a teddybear greets a three year old. She had risen so high, but at a second glance she was drooped down low.

She didn't know of anything anymore.

She pushed everything away, into that little box inside her head, with all her feelings spilling out the sides. That box was her second home.

Time to go to her first one.

"Thanks Sunny," she murmered, and got up from Sunny's lap. She whirled around and Sunny had a deep, solem look in her face. A look that said: I'm so sorry I did this to you. But Sunny wasn't to blame.. Dawn was at fault.

And she knew it.

She just couldn't admit it.

Mustering all her strength, which to say wasn't much, she hugged Sunny and lightly kissed her. It wasn't a erotic gesture but more a deja vu. A flashback to the party, where it all started and where it would restart. Dawn couldn't turn back, she was who she was now.

She grabbed her purse and started for the walk home, barely managing to take everything into focus. The sky was a blur to her, and not because she wasn't in proper state, but rather in thought.

She knew she had gone wrong. She had just had a rather large emphiphany, but it wouldn't change anything. Dawn would still be the same old bitch that she was now known for. Who would even go back to being the California Recycle Plus Girl? Not her. That ship had sailed.

She felt so torn, and no amount of tape would put her back together.

She entered the house, her eyelids drooping. Dawn suddenly felt extremely exhausted.

The girl managed to stumble up to her room without anyone asking questions. As usual, no one gave a shit about where she was. She could have ran off to the circus and they would barely apprehend her absence. When she caught sight of herself in the mirror, it sparked a sudden burst of tears.

Maybe she was just overly emotional, but she could not believe how lifeless she looked. Her life had gone to shit, it always ways and now it was reflecting itself on her.

She banged her head repeatedly against her dresser, sobbing. Again and again until her head became so numb she couldn't feel it anymore. Tears still clouding her vision, she pulled out scissors from her drawers.

She had always read stories of people cutting themselves to relieve pain. Mutilating and slashing their wrists, and it felt good rather bad. She knew it was wrong, and she had never done it. But some fucked up part of her brain thrived on the idea.

Dawn thrived for an escape, and these girls had written about how it let them step out of the world. Of course they had to go to counseling and other related shit but Dawn wasn't them. She could cut without it detected, unlike these morons.

She smacked herself against the head. Perhaps she was a bit high still. Fucking cutting herself? She was actually considering this an option? How fucked up was she, honestly? She threw the scissors out her window, but was back at square one.

Wait a second, square one? Was this some boardwalk to suicide?

Her brain was filled with these deluded thoughts, floating around.

How high do you have to fly to fall all the way down?

Because she was laying broken, at rock bottom.


	7. Insanity

**AN:** I just read my entire story as realized it has no structure, no format, no plot and horrible writing. Why do I continue? I don't know. I went WAAAY to in with the Dawn emotional thing, but perhaps its just because the memory of Jeff kind of killed her and spurted up all the emotions she had. Yes.. thats it. Anyway, I lost practically every reviewer I have but I'll keep writing because I feel I owe it to world. _PS: _In this chapter Dawn revives her former bitchiness and goes superly physco. It is also very short. I honestly don't know what to do with this story. I have threechoices: let Dawn kill herself OR make Dawn go into rehab OR a mix of the two. (Attempted suicide and then rehab.) Or secret choice number three: Screw the story because it sucks. Hmm. Cast your votes.

A few hours later, Mary-Anne made her way into the bedroom, quietly, just needing some things for her shower. She thought Dawn might have been asleep, for she had heard no noise for over an hour. She was quite wrong.

"Dawn?" Mary Anne asked, slightly surprised, when she entered the room.

"No way, I'm just her evil fucking clone taking over." Dawn retorted back, in a somewhat monotone voice. Her words were like they were expected, but her heart wasn't in it.

"Have you been awake all this time?" Her stepsister didn't say anything, so Mary-Anne just took it for a yes.

"Dawn, what have you been doing?" she asked, slightly suspicious and slightly curious. Dawn still wouldn't answer, she just sat, her back to Mary Anne and her face towards the open window.

"Dawn?" Mary Anne prodded.

"WHAT?" Dawn suddenly exploded, her chair falling from underneath her as she got up. "I've been smoking. Smoke after smoke after fucking smoke! Thats about the only thing in my life that ISN'T screwed up!"

Mary Anne was getting slightly scared, but she had gone to youth group for a year, and though she learned how to deal with stuff like this, all that knowledge seemed to fly out.

Dawn took another puff, laughing bitterly. She appeared to be going slightly insane. "Have one Mary Anne," she taunted, flicking a few cigarettes at her stepsister. "Go ahead. It's only really really addicting and then JOY!" she screamed, "You can be just as fucked up as me. Want to? Its so much fun, to know that everything in your life has gone to shit, right Mary Anne?

"We ride the same tracks, sweetheart. You're fucking step brother died, Carols a bitch, Sharon decided to nearly kill herself and daddy dearest is paying more attention to his prom-date sweetheart. And of course you're stepsister is a big slutbag, right?" Dawn half laughed, half cried. She didn't just appear insane-- she was going insane.

"Dawn, please calm down," Mary Anne said timidly.

"Calm down? Oh I wish I could just go get baked again and then maybe jump of a goddamn bridge. You'd be happy, right Mary Anne?"

"DAWN! Stop talking like that! We all love you!" shouted back Mary Anne. She was nervous and scared-- she had never been in such a dilemma. Perhaps reminding Dawn of the past would help.

"You have Sunny," said Mary Anne frantically, "Me, Kristy, Stacey, everyone from the former BSC! You ha-"

"SHUT UP!" Dawn screamed, covering her ears. "I don't want to hear it!"

"Everyone in Stoneybrook! You're old charges, they love y-"

"STOP TALKING!"

"We love you Dawn," Mary Anne whispered. "Why can't you realize this?"

"Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking," Dawn said softly, under her tears. Mary Anne made a bold move by cradling her sister into a hug. Dawn, numb to the world, just kept rocking back and forth, on the floor, crying out her tears. 


	8. Unwanted

**AN:** I think I'll probably rewrite this entire story.. In the meantime, heres chapter 8. Hopefully its the last chapter, not sure. I decided to take Arwens advice-- back to Stoneybrook she goes. Lets see where my writing takes me!

_I can't handle this anymore, Dawn.._

I've tried over and over with you..

You leave me no choice..

These words were spoken softly, but then seemed to echo in Dawn's mind as if he was screaming them.

He. Her very own father.

It was the next morning and she wanted to burst into tears, but she seemed fresh out of any type of an emotion. So she sat there, a dull look fixed on her face. Her father didn't even want her. No one wanted her. He was shipping or off to Stoneybrook as a desperate last resort. There she would be constantly looked after and be expected to follow strict rules. She was like a fucking nut in a straight jacket.. at least, that's what it would be like.

"Don't send me there," she whispered. All she could picture was the disappointing look on her mothers face, and Richards symphathetic-yet-disapproving sneer.

"Dawn, you aren't safe here. You've nearly killed yourself."

"If I wanted to kill myself, I would have."

"Dawn!"

"That's the _truth_," she said through gritted teeth. She looked up at her Dad, hurt. "Why don't you want me?" this sentence sounded strangled and difficult, but her dad managed to catch on. "Oh Dawn, I love you more than anything, but you need to go to Stoneybrook. It'll be a clean slate."

"A clean slate?" she shrieked. "Yeah, right! I'm just going to be the fucked up Californian girl that has done nothing but screw up since Je-" She shut up and restarted her sentence. "I won't have a clean slate, dad. I'll be the same person in a different state. Don't make me go.. please.."

"You need to see your mother," he said firmly.

"You just want me out of the house!"

"Dawn.."

Dawn sat up and kicked the coffee table, letting it fall sideways and the glass candleholder shatter. "Fine," she huffed. "I'll leave, I'll leave you. You hate me anyway! You just want to spend time with Carol and Gracie.. you don't need me. You never did."

"DAWN READ SCHAFER!"

Gulping down tears, she ran frantically upstairs where Mary Anne was sitting on the bed nervously. She was afraid that Dawn was going to yell and scream at her-- it was her that told her Dad exactly what was happening.

But Dawn didn't say anything, except for one word. "Pack."

"What?" Mary Anne asked, confused.

"I said PACK! We're going back to Stoneybrook."

"What? When?"

"I don't know," Dawn hissed, irritation clawing at her skin. "Whenever he can get tickets."

Silence hung awkwardly in the air for a few minutes. Then Mary Anne mustered the courage to speak up.

"I'm sorry," she said simply.

"Yeah."

Dawn was being so calm, that it scared her more than when she was freaking out. Mary Anne tried to relax though-- it can only go up from here, right? She tried to make some friendly conversation.

"So, we can meet Kristy and Stacey and Claudia, and all them again. It'll be fun," she said cheerfully.

"I don't want to talk to them."

"Why not? It'll be fun and they'll be happy to see you.."

"Yeah, because they are just the most forgiving fucking people in the word. They're snobs. I'm a snob! I've drifted past that, okay? They aren't my friends. YOU aren't my friend. You are my stepsister."

Mary Anne blinked exactly seven times, until she jumped up from the bed and left the room.

Dawn started trembling. Fuck, she needed a smoke, a beer. _Something._ She reached under the mattress, and found nothing. She crawled under her bed. Nothing. She sifted through her drawers, her closet, her jewelry box. _Nothing._

They took it all, she thought bitterly. She smashed her hand into the wall, and overlooked the pain it sent throughout her hand. 

Sunny.

She'll call Sunny.

Sunny would know what to do.

Without even kwing what she was doing, she found herself digging into her purse. She swished her hand around, but just felt air.

"No fucking way," she muttered. They took her cellphone. She sat down on her carpet and pinched her wrists. Her sharp nails digging into the skin. It took her mind off everything, even if for a minute. She just concentrated on the slight stinging feeling on her wrist and smiled.

Everyone _hated_ her. 

So why was she smiling?  
**  
AN: **God damn. Atleast another chapter, probably two. My own writing makes me sick. I don't really have a guide written in stone.. I just kinda let the hand do what it wants.


	9. Authors Note

Okay, technically I'm not supposed to have author note chapters but I don't know what else to do. This story is not what I set out to do when I began it. So I'm giving up for now. I'll delete it in a few weeks. Perhaps I'll do a complete re-write if I ever feel up to it. I love one-shots, mainly. You guys rock because you read my story and obviously still wanted to because you're reading this. I hated what it had become and It was slightly pathetic, really.

So. Sorry.

Sunny.


	10. Home

**AN:** Okay, I lied. I continued the story. I don't _like_ it but . . . I don't want to see it uncompleted. So this chapter will be the last. It's been an.. okay experience : I love everyone who reviewed and payed attention to this story, even when I didn't. This chapter is in 2nd person, deal.

---

It's funny. People say California is where you go to escape. To the beach, to the palm trees and everything in between. It makes sense. The waves have a funny way of making you forget... but sometimes that's the probem. You forget too much. Forget who you are. What you've done. Forget exactly who Dawn Schafer is. You just look at the tide and let it wash your thoughts away.

And now you're back in Stoneybrook. Mary Anne is with you, of course. But it isn't as if you're magically happy. You've been _unhappy_ for so long that you've nearly forgotten what happy is. Just another thing the tide took away. And you blame the tide because it's so conveniently there and you're not looking to blame yourself. You never are.

Your Mom was happy. Happy? Oh, she was excited. Richard was more-so happy that his precious baby was out of his step-daughter-turned-druggie-slut's hands. He didn't actually say those words but you could sense them almost as much as you could sense the cold stare in his eyes and he coldly observed your too-tight outfit. Fuck you.

"Eat, Dawn," your mom says. "Eat."

_No thanks._

But it's Stoneybrook. You're here to grow, right? Or to grow away from your previous habits. You're basically kept on a fucking leash so it's not like you have time or space to get the shit you need. Or want. Crave. Whatever.

And now it's been sixth months. You've been clean for exactly that long, plus maybe a week. And it's satisfying and now you think, well, I'm nearly seventeen. I'm already suitable for rehab. But they won't send me there.

Because that just forces them to admit it. You need professional help. But they don't really see beyond the drags and hits and shots. It's not just for fun, it's not just 'addicting'. It quenched a thirst, a pain that no one could. 

And another six months pass. You're seventeen. You're graduating at the end of the year in good ol' Stoneybrook where everyone pretends to be your best friend while they judge you inside. You've heard the rumours. They're almost amusing, in a cruel type of way.

_Remember Dawn? That psycho hippie chick? Well, she's back. Total platinum blonde slut. Red lipstick, druggie, all that._

Well, maybe they weren't rumours after all.

And when you graduate, you're alone again. Mary Anne and the merry gang of Babysitters don't talk to you. You broke the rules. They've grown up, a little. Not nearly as quick as you were forced to and all they see is the exterior. Mary Anne loves you, you know this but.. being with you will only bring her down.

And they all leave for college, for jobs, whatever. And you're still in Stoneybrook with your Mom and Richard because you're not allowed to go anywhere else. Because you don't want to.

It's been two years and you're still clean. You're starting to think if you were offered a hit, you'd refuse it. That's freeing in its own way. No contact with Sunny. Last you heard of her, she left California. Everyone is gone, starting fresh. You've made a few new friends and that's good enough for you.

Not everyone gets a second chance. They did. You? Not so much. You're no longer binded by drugs, alcohol. Don't have to turn to sex or cigarettes. That's a second enough chance to you. You're not sure if you'll ever be able to leave Stoneybrook, if you'll ever want to. Memories plague you every step of the way but you start taking them with strides of indifference.

There's no tide here. No beach in Stoneybrook. Nothing and no one to blame but yourself. Nothing to help you forget.

But maybe, for once, you don't want to forget. Make new memories though as well, with these new friends. Except the old. Learn from the past, don't hate it. Don't regret.

Never regret.

Are you happy now?

Close enough.


End file.
